The Weigh We Were

Why I failed on the Weight Watchers program-One Year Later

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 07:59:16 -0500

My sincere apology to everyone who has read this blog in the past and have been disappointed with my progress. I feel like I failed myself and you all as well. This is the most difficult post for me to write. One year has past since I first started this blog and I have not really [...]

Starting Weight Watchers Again!

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 06:04:56 -0500

I rejoined WW yesterday and I am excited to start the program again. I feel like I am ready to take this on and take control of my life. One of the things that I will be doing is planning my meals daily. I find that my biggest problem was that I never knew when [...]

My half life

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:48:40 -0500

As you can probably tell by yesterday evening's entry, I have been going through a very difficult time lately. It has, in fact, been the most difficult time of my life, worse than the days when I was a 372-pound recluse living alone in a studio apartment.

People always said life is hard and I would nod and agree, but I did not understand. Weight loss is hard and college is hard and finding a job is hard. All those things are hard, indeed, and I've done all those things. I thought I understood when people said life was hard, but I didn't, because you cannot understand suffering until you have suffered.

I have been suffering lately. I have been suffering since the evening of February 17th, 2008 when I got a headache that has never gone away. Some of you probably laugh a little and think, "Ha, that's weird. But it's just a headache. How bad can it be?"

It is bad. It is very, very bad.

It has made me cry so badly that my wailing has made the cats run into my bedroom. It has made me come home numerous evenings and binge eat as a temporary way to ease the pain. It has made me go out to the parking garage during work and cry in the back seat and idly think that I could jump off the roof of the building if it gets unbearable.

And through this all has been the knowledge that I may never get better. No one seems to know what is causing my headache. None of the pills work. None of the eastern or western medicine is doing any good. I read stories about people who have had headaches for 10 or 20 or 30 years and I know I may join their ranks.

So, I have alternately been seeking a cure and also trying to learn how to cope with this unknown disease that may be with me for as long as I live. (Hopefully a long time. I was not seriously considering suicide and since I started anti-depressants have not even idly considered it as an option.) Still, it is hard. It is very, very hard. I truly understand that word now.

I have also not been taking care of myself. I have not been eating well and I have not been exercising. I know these things are important and would benefit my overall health, but I feel so overwhelmingly miserable on a daily basis that food is one of my few comforts and exercise seems a chore as difficult as swimming around the globe. (Which, of course, would be great exercise.) I know I need to do better in these areas, but I am focusing most of my energy on just getting through the day, on keeping my job and my health insurance that I need so desperately right now. I would love to lose weight, but I just don't have the energy for it right now and it is hard to make it a priority when so many other things need fixing first. I can't move the furniture when the house is on fire.

I have been trying to keep my momentum and keep living the life I was living a year ago. I'd like to be that girl again. But I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my own life, that I'm just going through the motions, miscast as the lead in someone else's play. I would like that sense of normalcy back. So I try. I do what I can. But I also have to remember I have the right to do less than humanly possible. Otherwise I go a little krazee, as was evidenced last night.

I haven't been talking about my struggles too much on the blog for a couple reasons. First, I didn't want a hundred different opinions on what I should be doing. I know they are just voices of the caring, but they pull me in a hundred different directions until only shredded remains are left. This place has gotten so big lately that I don't always feel comfortable sharing everything anymore, knowing someone is bound to misunderstand me. It does not feel as safe here as it used to. There are hypodermic needles on the playground.

Secondly, I like to act as normal as I can, to live as much of my life that I can, although lately I have been living a half-life, unable to do the things I want to, to feel the ways I used to. This blog used to be called "Half of Me." I am now (a little over) half my weight, but due to my illness I'm living half a life too. I fake it well. I greet people warmly in the elevator and I smile at my doctor's appointments. I tell jokes and goof around. They would say, "Jennette seems perfectly ok! She'd never take a header off the roof!" It makes me look around at my coworkers, at the people in line at the grocery store, and wonder how many of them are faking it too. There is so much suffering that goes unnoticed.

It might get better. I'm seeking help. I'm still seeing doctors. I'm trying to get by. My family and friends have been awesome, cooking me dinner and doing my dishes and checking in on me and listening to my whining. But I don't know what will happen. I might be sick forever and that will be that. I'll have to figure out how to live with this chronic pain. I'll have to learn to do the best I can with what is left of my life. But at least there was a year there, when I was working out and eating well and I was healthy, when I felt really good and the world was full of so many possibilities. I was happy then and it was nice. I'm glad I had that year.

And to anyone who thinks there is something noble about my suffering, about the way I carry on so bravely in the face of insurmountable odds, fuck you. There is nothing noble about this. There is just pain - meaningless, endless pain. There is no purpose to it, no greater meaning. It will change me and test me, no doubt, but I don't want any congratulations for the fact that I still carry on. I do it because I have to and death is not an option.

So, on Friday I leave for vacation. I'm going to the Quaker Oatmeal Festival in Colorado because God knows I could use a fucking vacation. I will try to have a good time even if the high altitudes make my head explode. And by God, I promise to eat a shitload of oatmeal.

Copyright Jennette Fulda. Read more at PastaQueen

Proven Weight Loss Supplements

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 09:45:05 -0500

Proven weight loss supplements include some meal replacement bars and shakes, as well as fiber and green tea extract. Find out what weight loss experts have to say about diet supplements.

Hot Diggity Dog!

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:22:00 -0500

Arkansas beat Texas last night! WOOT! Texas an Arkansas are huge rivals. This was a awesome game. GO HOGS!

Last night was a short 4 mile run. I went with the running group last night. It was chilly, but I managed to tough it out. I am glad I did.
I haven't decided if I am running tonight or not. I may take a DOR or I may go. I will make that decision tonight. If I go, we are doing 5 miles and I may join the running group again. It does make the runs go by faster.

My food is still going great. I am also getting in my water. Things couldn't be any better when it comes to exercise and food this week. ROCK ON!
I love New Years....I just hope I can keep this momentum going.

Off to make some hot tea!

CNN: Obama talked with Sanjay Gupta for Surgeon General role

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 02:48:35 -0500

Ooof:

The Obama transition team approached Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN's chief medical correspondent, about becoming U.S. surgeon general, according to sources inside the transition and at CNN.

Via the LA Times through the Chicago Tribune:

More recently, Gupta -- the son of immigrants from India and Pakistan -- launched a nationwide campaign on CNN titled "Fit Nation" to highlight the dangers of obesity in children.

"We are told that the pitch to him has been that healthcare reform will be a top priority," [CNN's John] King said, "that wellness, fitness, obesity, the issues he has focused on often here at CNN, will be a top priority.

This seems like a really, really bad choice.

Wednesday - Whooaa already (Tuesday WI)

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:36:00 -0500

I love how fast the work week goes, but I'm not thrilled with how time in general seems to be whisked away before I've had a chance to make something of it - does that make sense? Ugh.

Well, weigh-in was last night, and I lost a measley (sp?) .3.

Week in review: Tuesday night, pizza. Wed was w/in points as was Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Sunday I had a fast food burger and baked potato and I made a stress-batch of Chex Mix. Monday was good as was Tuesday. So, what went wrong?

Well, I did get TOM ("Aunt Flo") which explaines the 5 lb gain two weeks before - holidays and PMS=ick! I also started exercising again which I know can make a difference. I drank a lot of diet soda as well=sodium. So, frankly, I need to keep doing what I'm doing with a major increase in water and don't eat fast food this week. I should see a loss next week - well, a better loss.

Hugh seems to be feeling better. He says his ear still hurts, but I'm holding out for it to subside. If not, I'll take him in on Saturday.

Gotta go. Need to walk walk walk this a.m.

Make it a great day.

The Best Workout Ever

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:29:48 -0500

Question. Should you or should you not work out when you are pissed off?? I usually allow my tempers too cool off after a while. But today was different, I won’t explain, but it was different. My first thought was do your 30-40 minutes of cardio and pump some weights and call it a day. And [...]

The Best Workout Ever

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:29:48 -0500

5 Reasons You Should Add Stairway to your iPod

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:08:15 -0500

"Somtimes words have two meanings"